HOW THE ASTROLOGICAL PERSONALITIES CAME TO BE
I have a theory on how all the characteristics were
assigned to the twelve astrological signs. If you are expecting a double-blind
study of astrologers completely analyzing people with a complete survey and
spending decades carefully analyzing the results, you’re going to be
disappointed.
Maybe it went something like this: A group of twelve astrologers got together
one night, trying to figure how they were going to market the constellations
for pure massive profit clarity and enlightenment.
It was bright and early in the morning. The main astrologer said, “We have 12 zodiac
signs. If we work quickly we could be
done by nightfall.”
The group decided it was best if they assigned one quirk
to each of the 12 signs. Full of energy,
the astrologers quickly finished with Aries.
In fact, Aries was assigned the “full of energy” characteristic.
Then breakfast came.
One astrologer noted who cows and bulls continuously eat grass. Eating became Taurus’ number one trait.
During breakfast a two of the astrologers, who looked
very similar to each other, started talking and talking and talking. It was noted that the two talkative
astrologers looked alike, and said, “Doesn’t Gemini represent the twins?” And that is how Gemini got the
eternal-mouthpiece characteristic.
This didn’t please a female astrologer who wanted to have
breakfast in peace, and asked the two talking astrologers to stop. Annoyed, the two talking astrologers called
her the disease of the group for ruining all the fun. Another fellow astrologer said, “Eureka! We
have the defining characteristic for Cancer!”
That female astrologer cried and left the room.
The rest of the astrologers finished breakfast, they
wrote more details about Aries, Taurus, Gemini, and Cancer when said female astrologer
walked in, dressed in a lion’s suit, and screamed “I am woman! Hear me
roar! ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRR!” After looking at her, astrologers noticed Leo
was next on the list. Next to Leo was
the words written: “Proud. Loud.
Desires to an idol at all costs.”
One of the astrologers noticed that all the notes weren’t
organized. And it was noon and the
astrologers were not half way done. The
main astrologer wasn’t pleased, and chastised the group. One sarcastic astrologer told the main
astrologer that he needed to get laid. In
an opportunity for revenge, the female astrologer dressed in a lion suit said
“doesn’t that mean he’s a Virgo? Virgo
stands for virgin.” To the main
astrologer’s ire, Virgo got the “virgin who has to have everything organized” characteristic.
It was well into the afternoon and the astrologers were
clearly running out of ideas. For
several hours, they argued over what characteristics Libra should have. Half of the astrologers liked that the signs
have been assigned cartoonish characteristics, while others wanted the practice
to realistic as possible. Out of
frustration, the main astrologer wrote “Can’t decide” next to Libra.
This pissed one of the astrologers off. “How dare, you! You can’t just arbitrarily decide the characteristics
without us agreeing!”
The main astrologer was tired and annoyed. “Really?
We’ve been fooling around trying to make up stuff for twelve signs and
we’ve only been through seven!”
The sarcastic astrologer added in, “We’re doing this in
one day, it’s not like we are actually asking people and listening or anything
like that.”
“Shut up or I sting you!” retorted the main
astrologer. “We chose this method! If
you want to spend eons talking to people go right ahead!”
The female astrologer wrote down “therapist” next to
Scorpio. Then she noticed one of the
astrologers giving her the come hither look.
Next to “therapist”, she wrote “into sex”. The main astrologer was angrier than ever,
“What did I say about determining characteristics without all of us agreeing?”
The female astrologer then added “eternally angry” to Scorpio’s
list. She then threw her notebook down
and had a stare down with the main astrologer.
The astrologers started arguing.
Ten minutes later, six astrologers let their cool heads
prevail, shook their heads, and collectively said, “Forget this, we’re out of
here!” and wrote for Sagittarius: “sane traveling
person who clearly sees astrology as it really is: useless”. Those six astrologers would never look at a
horoscope ever again.
The main astrologer after breaking the last of the fracas
and seeing half of the crew leave and ultimately live better lives as real
scientists, declared “We need a break.
And I need a drink.” All of the
remaining astrologers reluctantly agreed.
A few hours of drinks, drugs, and probably sex with a few
patrons at the local tavern, our astrologers returned to the table, all feeling
supremely good – and woozy.
“Wow, only Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces left, groovy,”
one of the astrologers said with a drunk smile.
As she looked a picture of a goat, thinking it represented what her
dream boyfriend would own as a pet, she declares “Hard working and gets the
groove on, yeah, that’s my Cappy!” Without thinking, she planted a big kiss on
the picture of the goat. The rest agreed
that Capricorn was described perfectly.
“I’m feeling electricity, colorful vibes, peace, harmony,
and a supreme love for all humans,” the main astrologer began to sing. The other of astrologers, despite having
little of their faculties left, managed to write what the main astrologer
said. “Man, I can’t want for this age…
it will be the age of humanity, man,” the main astrologer continued, “and I
truly love you all, I’d give you all water if I could. I wish there was a song
for Aquarius.”
The other astrologers smiled and sung, “Aquarius.”
“Love, sweet love.
That should be Pisces too. I’m
seeing spirits,” one of the astrologers added.
The female astrologer wrote love next to Pisces, and drew a picture of a
beer. “Spiritual baby.” She added. And then the remaining astrologers fell
asleep, full of smiles.
The End
** Please note that this is for humor, in case you didn't know.
