Monday, June 29, 2015

How the Astrological Personalities Came to Be (Comedy)


I have a theory on how all the characteristics were assigned to the twelve astrological signs. If you are expecting a double-blind study of astrologers completely analyzing people with a complete survey and spending decades carefully analyzing the results, you’re going to be disappointed. 

Maybe it went something like this:  A group of twelve astrologers got together one night, trying to figure how they were going to market the constellations for pure massive profit clarity and enlightenment.

It was bright and early in the morning.  The main astrologer said, “We have 12 zodiac signs.  If we work quickly we could be done by nightfall.”

The group decided it was best if they assigned one quirk to each of the 12 signs.  Full of energy, the astrologers quickly finished with Aries.  In fact, Aries was assigned the “full of energy” characteristic. 

Then breakfast came.  One astrologer noted who cows and bulls continuously eat grass.  Eating became Taurus’ number one trait. 

During breakfast a two of the astrologers, who looked very similar to each other, started talking and talking and talking.  It was noted that the two talkative astrologers looked alike, and said, “Doesn’t Gemini represent the twins?”  And that is how Gemini got the eternal-mouthpiece characteristic.

This didn’t please a female astrologer who wanted to have breakfast in peace, and asked the two talking astrologers to stop.  Annoyed, the two talking astrologers called her the disease of the group for ruining all the fun.  Another fellow astrologer said, “Eureka! We have the defining characteristic for Cancer!”  That female astrologer cried and left the room. 

The rest of the astrologers finished breakfast, they wrote more details about Aries, Taurus, Gemini, and Cancer when said female astrologer walked in, dressed in a lion’s suit, and screamed “I am woman! Hear me roar!  ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRR!”  After looking at her, astrologers noticed Leo was next on the list.  Next to Leo was the words written:  “Proud.  Loud.  Desires to an idol at all costs.”

One of the astrologers noticed that all the notes weren’t organized.  And it was noon and the astrologers were not half way done.  The main astrologer wasn’t pleased, and chastised the group.  One sarcastic astrologer told the main astrologer that he needed to get laid.  In an opportunity for revenge, the female astrologer dressed in a lion suit said “doesn’t that mean he’s a Virgo?  Virgo stands for virgin.”  To the main astrologer’s ire, Virgo got the “virgin who has to have everything organized” characteristic.

It was well into the afternoon and the astrologers were clearly running out of ideas.  For several hours, they argued over what characteristics Libra should have.  Half of the astrologers liked that the signs have been assigned cartoonish characteristics, while others wanted the practice to realistic as possible.  Out of frustration, the main astrologer wrote “Can’t decide” next to Libra.

This pissed one of the astrologers off.  “How dare, you!  You can’t just arbitrarily decide the characteristics without us agreeing!” 

The main astrologer was tired and annoyed.  “Really?  We’ve been fooling around trying to make up stuff for twelve signs and we’ve only been through seven!”

The sarcastic astrologer added in, “We’re doing this in one day, it’s not like we are actually asking people and listening or anything like that.”

“Shut up or I sting you!” retorted the main astrologer.  “We chose this method! If you want to spend eons talking to people go right ahead!”

The female astrologer wrote down “therapist” next to Scorpio.  Then she noticed one of the astrologers giving her the come hither look.  Next to “therapist”, she wrote “into sex”.   The main astrologer was angrier than ever, “What did I say about determining characteristics without all of us agreeing?”

The female astrologer then added “eternally angry” to Scorpio’s list.  She then threw her notebook down and had a stare down with the main astrologer.  The astrologers started arguing.

Ten minutes later, six astrologers let their cool heads prevail, shook their heads, and collectively said, “Forget this, we’re out of here!” and wrote for Sagittarius:  “sane traveling person who clearly sees astrology as it really is: useless”.  Those six astrologers would never look at a horoscope ever again.

The main astrologer after breaking the last of the fracas and seeing half of the crew leave and ultimately live better lives as real scientists, declared “We need a break.  And I need a drink.”   All of the remaining astrologers reluctantly agreed.

A few hours of drinks, drugs, and probably sex with a few patrons at the local tavern, our astrologers returned to the table, all feeling supremely good – and woozy.

“Wow, only Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces left, groovy,” one of the astrologers said with a drunk smile.  As she looked a picture of a goat, thinking it represented what her dream boyfriend would own as a pet, she declares “Hard working and gets the groove on, yeah, that’s my Cappy!” Without thinking, she planted a big kiss on the picture of the goat.  The rest agreed that Capricorn was described perfectly. 

“I’m feeling electricity, colorful vibes, peace, harmony, and a supreme love for all humans,” the main astrologer began to sing.  The other of astrologers, despite having little of their faculties left, managed to write what the main astrologer said.  “Man, I can’t want for this age… it will be the age of humanity, man,” the main astrologer continued, “and I truly love you all, I’d give you all water if I could. I wish there was a song for Aquarius.”

The other astrologers smiled and sung, “Aquarius.”

“Love, sweet love.  That should be Pisces too.  I’m seeing spirits,” one of the astrologers added.  The female astrologer wrote love next to Pisces, and drew a picture of a beer.  “Spiritual baby.” She added.  And then the remaining astrologers fell asleep, full of smiles.

The End

** Please note that this is for humor, in case you didn't know.